Don't say anything or get defensive? Here's why.

Your Voice and Core Belief.

How does your core belief, not good enough, not important, not valued impact your voice?

Which sounds more like you?

People pleaser:

Can’t say no

Think of things to say but never say them

Avoid conflict at all cost

Need other people’s approval or for others to like you

Or…

Confrontational:

Angry, impatient and aggressive

Judge others harshly

Talk over people and interrupt

Need to be right

Hate being challenged or questioned

Stubborn 

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These are both the reflection of the core belief not good enough, not important, not valued.

If your core belief is good enough, important and valued your voice looks like:

Deciding when to say something and when not to

Comfortable talking AND listening to understand others

Talking in a calm neutral voice

Comfortable being challenged and questioned

Aware that stating what you need may be inconvenient for others

No Voice.

Your core belief not good enough, not important, not valued plays a signifiant role in having a voice.

1. With this core belief, you do not believe in yourself you have a right to a voice. You will either accommodate this belief and not say anything and avoid using your voice whenever possible.  The alternative is you have to go against this belief so your voice is forced and aggressive.  You are so focused on forcing yourself to say something that you don’t consider the people around you. The more aggressive you are in your voice the more you realize that being aggressive stops people from challenging or questioning you.  You need this because you don’t believe you can handle being challenged or questioned.

2. Not good enough, not important not valued also  creates self doubt in yourself to know when to say something, when not to and what to say.  If you don’t trust in yourself on how to respond to others, you will say nothing. If you do say something, but don’t trust in yourself to have a voice in the moment it often comes out aggressive to shut other person down. You will also be very stubborn in your views and struggle with changing your mind or taking responsibility because of this lack of belief in self.

3. If you struggle with having a voice you will also want to try to have a voice without upsetting others.  This is not possible. Having a voice means you will inconvenience others so you chose not to say anything to avoid conflict.

Creating a Voice.

Just trying to have a voice is not going to be very successful long term.  In order to have an assertive voice you have to dig deeper and focus on building the core belief good enough, important and valued.  A natural consequence of changing at this level is you will start to have more of a voice because you believe in yourself.

To develop a healthier core belief:

1. Gain an understanding of why you don’t have a voice or have an aggressive voice.

   1. How significant is your core belief not good enough, not important, not valued? How has it developed throughout your life?

   2. What did you learn growing up in your family about having a voice? Did being quiet get you through the day? Did you have to yell and be aggressive to get through the day?

   3. What was your parents’ voices like?

   4. Who taught you to believe in yourself? Who taught  you to have an assertive, confident voice (often the answer is no one)?

   5. How does your core belief connect to and support your voice or lack of voice?

2. Practice.

   1. Think about what you would have liked to have said or how you could have said something in a more respectful manner and write it down.  Then read it over and say it out loud to yourself. As you practice you are building confidence,  and the core belief good enough, important and valued.

   2. Start small, say things that are easier to say, you are likely already doing some of this so give yourself credit. Small steps with lots of practice is key to shifting your core belief.